Sandcastles

A promise is a promise. Maybe we are pros at at being misers? When have we ever had the ability to freely give, what we so desperately wish to receive?

The more I have of you, the deeper the laugh lines on your face drill the fear into my soul. Every promise don’t work out that way.

How though? When I first laid eyes on your smile, I found myself looking at my heart for the first time in my life! Strong and full and black. And out of it sprung strings of little footsteps that added colour and intensity to my grey walls.

Flustered and always on edge, it must be what hooks druggies, because I know how dangerous this is, but when I see you; I always come, running. So heavy, one lifetime was not enough, but this lifetime is cluttered with so much stuff, it just sucks the air out of the room, out of my lungs.

My love.

MY love.

My love?

Us. Ours. We. So connected, so together, but you’re light years away from me.

Away.

From.

Me.

I see you. We touch. But we are not in the same dimension. You’re front. I’m back. Side by side. But not yet in front of each other. Pain? Cannot describe. W O U N D E D.

What do I have to do to get inside your heart? Or am I the one shutting you out? I wouldn’t put it past me. If that’s the case, your defiance and determination is admirable!

Or are we setting the entire building on fire, in an effort to convince ourselves that we’re warm enough? Will we ever know? And even if we did know, what then?

Sweet, naked, oblivion. Will I ever be relieved of you? The memories, I mean… you live in my memory. Like a conversation, constantly ongoing. Chipping in at relevant conversational breaks. A flashback, like a lightening bolt. Pulling back the muscles that reside at the sides of my mouth, exposing my teeth, with that all too familiar glint in the corner of my right eye.

As quickly as it came, I remind myself that you are unable to stay. And so I endeavour to erase you. A little bit. Little by little. Permanent residence would be idealistic, but you do not have the capacity to stay. Scary thought – neither do I!

Seasons come to pass. I desperately want to keep you, take you everywhere I go.

So I keep the smile and the glint in my eye. Because even though I will never hold you in my broken arms again, behind my smile you will remain. And I will forever. F O R E V E R. Even to the next life, remember how we stood at the top of the highest mountain with our fists in the air.

And laughed and laughed and laughed! From behind our navels, laughter from the very out of our stomachs.