words to live by

Healing, in and of itself, is a painful word to say; it’s a painful word to hear; and an even more painful place to find that you need to heal.

It’s like finding that thing that catches you off guard, then it’s like you kinda feel, “Okay, something happened here”; then it hits you like a ton of fucken bricks! Face first. Mr. Healing is here! He is the strict principle who is called when the traums are doing the trauma things. Your heart, broken. To fucken pieces. WOW. Take a breath! Is this really happening? you will ask yourself – over and over. Going neatly over all the details, just in case, just in case you missed something.

Then the evening sets in, and all your comforts are removed. The shadows. Everything echoes in there. You hear your heart beating in your ears – DO DOOF! DO DOOF! A humming, a questioning, a choosing – each beat louder, starting to sound like a drum. A whisper of a prayer, a crying, a sobbing…please…please help me. Like your soul wanting to hide from this pain that has now existed for the last 48 hours. What we now know for certain is that we are going to be here for a while.

Your body starts to warm up and move fast and drag by slowly – all at the same time. Your vibration changes, a shivering, a shacking, a break down, a breaking up, a voice, a silent, loud and STRONG voice. Even when I wasn’t aware in those dark days, Sun still shone on my face, Trees still wrapped her branches around me and stroked my face with her leaves. A guant and lonely looking anger. A betrayal. An expectation not met. An over-estimation of your value in that relationship.

iPain nana! iZa kutsala where it wants to take you.

Trying times…

These days my body has strange aches and pains and while I am practicing being kind to her, I try to allow myself to rest, to mess up, to try again, to fuck up, to re-evaluate, to walk away, to close a door.

Those tears literally burn your cheeks. Those tears come from a place deeper than the location of a tear duct. Those tears are from the adult you’ve become, that adult – hugging and crying for 8 year old Louine’s loss. They come with a deep sense of disbelief. Disbelief of the place you now find yourself within, like…how?

Healing hurts like hell, but is so soothing at the same time. I’m glad Healing showed up for me. Healing and Wisdom. Good vibes only. Learning to be grateful for everything, all of it. To actively live this life, and feel the things that life will sometimes demand that you feel; the pain of betrayal, the pain of being isolated, dehumanized, the pain of constantly having to explain yourself, over and over, the pain of taking you back there, where the streets are made of lead and mercury and sinking sand. Just working to suck you in, to stuck you in. Getting out of that place is hard as hell. Looking for the Light, a Light, a sign of life in a desolate place, something to hold onto. And we find some beams of light to snatch and bank in your heart. The fresh air you graciously receive from the majestic trees that nourishes your body. We give thanks even for the ability to breathe in a way that you are in a position to appreciate it.

Slowly, we invite the purity back in, and release the toxicity as and when we find it. Some days still hurt like hell, and others come to remind me that it sounds and feels sooooo good to hear myself laugh again. In those moments, I thank Goddess for gently reminding me of how good it feels to be alive.

I am grateful for this gift, of life. I’ll take the L’s because they make taking the WINS so sacred. There is deep sacredness in graciously and humbly taking your L’s.

Listening has become so super important! Use your ability to hear as a mechanism to listen. Learning while I listen. As I listen, I remind myself to feel. Feel it Louine. Sometimes I don’t know what the thing is that I should be feeling and I would have to investigate how this feeling, whatever it is, how it got here, how do we feel about it and decide on how to repel it.

When Healing shows up, it presents itself as an invitation to peel back the layers, over the course of however long this process takes.

“The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

(Job 1:21)

it shattered

into 100million shards

of pointy

blood-draining

tear jerking

pieces of glass that ripped me apart

untill all my cells

and atoms

lay on the ground

the eyes of 100 million slaves

stared at my 100 million pieces

lying lifeless on the ground

lying

after all the lies they have been fed

how long will they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look?

we perpetuate the violence directed at us because we give in to the fear

fear of the lonely

fear of the hunger

being ostracized.

shattered.

when you got dressed this morning, did you consider the clothes you’re wearing today? i don’t mean does this tie go with these socks kind of consider. did you spare a thought abut where you are going like maybe past the taxi rank where men like you undress ladies with their eyes. the hunger and haughtiness seeping out of them like tears would stream down my cheeks later, if they caught me in the dark and had their way with me. maybe these shorts are too short. maybe this dress is too sexy. maybe these skinny jeans are accentuating this butt that i worked so hard for in the gym only to be made a fool of when they whistle and hurdle insults at me. oh you didn’t stop and consider that the whistling and the taunting me is demeaning. would you approach a woman you loved like that? what would you think of sixteen years from now that girl walking past the taxi rank, was no longer me, but the girl who came from your seed. talking about seeds, have you planted seeds like these whistling men, because trust me those whistles fly in from the exterior of my ear and down my eardrum all the way to the pit of my belly and some of it gets caught in the middle of my throat. they have a home there now. only because those whistles remind me that i am not safe from men, perhaps like yourself.

after choosing your tie and socks, when you stepped out the house and grabbed your car keys, did you consider the route that you would drive to work? no? you just took the road most convenient to you. right. well, when i drove toward the first robot, it was still dark as it was only 5am in the thick of winter. why am i on my way to work at this time? early bird catches the worm right? oh you haven’t considered this either – that to prove my intellectual worth as a female i have to work twice as hard as you. your competence comes built in with your gender package. mine does too, but mine isn’t linked to my gender and it was never my goal to show you that my competence lies in my gender because douchebag, my competence was crafted into the fabric of my being. the body that houses me is a machine that bends and stretches to bring forth life. and then get back to business.

when you parked your car at work this morning, did you double check to see if the clothes you chose to wear might distract the board for seein you through the windows of your soul or just merely looking at the mammary glands that adorn my chest and hoping to find a key in there to bed me. bed me. have you ever been looked at like a piece of meat? hungrily being stripped of your substance and when the villain is satiated, scatters your bones as if they have never been called to life again and again and again. to look in the mirror and understand the reincarnation that this woman has to go through just to live.

when you went home from work today, tired and drained from the happenings of the day. you walked through the door and you were met by a warm home. not the house you life in the morning. chicken pie aroma fills your lungs and all the tension of the day slips through your fingers. you kick your shoes off, the ones you found in your closet that same morning and let your couch hug away all the strain from today. as you round up your highlights you are met with a warm and loving dinner and a wife who quietly supports you. did you spare any thoughts to how that chicken got from the store into your oven and is now presented before you? did you express your gratitude? i hope so.

when the lights turned off at night, did your fears come to meet you? the sexual fears are most unruly when the sun goes down. its almost like the moon brings with it the wolf that was buried under this sheepskin before me. have you everh hated the night? have you ever found yourself in a place where you really didnt want to be found at night. and not out of inconvenience but out of outright and ice cold fear for your life?! have you ever wished that these men would just be doen with it and take your life?

oh my sisters who have lost their life’s to the hands of these monsters who are our brothers. Mr. Homo please get that you and i are both homos – homosapiens. Salient. i salute you, you don’t need to salute me just don’t sexualize me.

we are tired. exhausted, on the brink of black out.

i love my life

the gift of this life

is equal parts lovely

equal parts enthralling

all encompassing

in a not wanting to be encompassed way

equal parts lonely

in a not wanting to be alone kind of way

and yet still

a gift

i love my life

i am grateful for this life

and as i climb and fall

and soar and crawl

and sometimes feel like i am snailing my way

a tiny blue speck

tiny

yet noticeable

yet shining

yet flickering

yet alive

a speck in the universe

the known universe

my universe

me

i love my life

a gift

a present

worth

self worth

i esteem myself

a gift

a present

a presence

a life

me

mine

i have to love my life

i want to love my life

i need to love my life

my gift

to myself

a presence

is to love my life

love me

worthy of thynself

a gift

deservedly given

openly accepted

big and small

in and out

the expanse and collapse

of my lungs

effortless

i can even do it in my sleep

when i talk i spare it no thought

a precious gift

thank you lou

When you a black girl

You find a way to work around stuff.

Around, you know…

Being black,

And a girl,

In a man’s world,

A white man’s world.

Backbone.

Synonymous with

Blackbone.

She must familiarize herself with this part of her anatomy,

Quickly.

Early on in life.

Many times, it will be the only thing that she can hold onto.

Clenched fingers give her the courage to keep going,

Weaving her way through the glaring eyes that question her presence.

How do you present yourself when they question your gift?

Your being present, in and of itself, is already a gift.

What happens when you open your heart?

Then your mind

Then your eyes

Then your hands

And finally,

Your mouth.

Is what I believe we are at the helm of experiencing,

What we refer to as

Black Girl Magic.

Majesty.

Majestic.

Magical.

And messy,

And all over the place,

All at the same damn time!

Don’t even try to tame me

My hair alone screams that I cannot be tamed!

Untameable.

Unfathomable.

Unreal.

More realistic than you know

Realism

Optimism

Omnipotence, all over the world

In you

In me

In us

Who we are

Who we are becoming

WHO WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN!

The world was never ready.

But…

Mother Earth,

She birthed us forth

Melanin shining

Beaming with the moon

We are here

To serve, in ALL our excellence

Open hearts.

Black Girl! Come out from amongst them

The shadows have lost the capacity to hold you back.

That back bone

The one they called

Dry bone

That flesh has come alive

That beacon of hope

That sparkle in her eye

Can

Not

Be

Tamed

Take your hands off of her!